My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
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