I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
