I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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