Taylor Swift is so right about you.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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