ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Randomize
