Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
