I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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