Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
