T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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