I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
