I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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