saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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