One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I just got carded by a ten year old.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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