How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Randomize
