Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
