Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
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