Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
