I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
