I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
