Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
