he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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