JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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