The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
