i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
