just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Randomize
