I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You pole danced in your parka.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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