I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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