I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
