Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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