My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
