peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
