i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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