i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
