did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
