i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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