Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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