I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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