Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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