I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
