WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
