at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
