I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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