He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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