I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
