Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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