Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
