Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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