I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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