woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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