Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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