before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
