my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
