I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
