And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize