I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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