There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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