if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
she told me i tasted like america
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
