I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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