Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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