Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
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