she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You're like the curious george of whores
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
